How to Have Hard Conversations About Your Feelings

Audio : Dañielle Wilson

Let us walk honestly, as in the day; 

Romans 13 : 13 (KJV)

Some of my thoughts sound crazy, like seriously, if someone would come to me with them.
I would say, listen, “You are somewhere but not reality, How in the world did you come to that conclusion?!”

But the truth is I already think them, they aren’t going anywhere unless I present myself with new evidence. Often times reading and listening only are insufficient. Because it represents an unfinished cycle. Input is usually relevant because of an output. So to overcome our anxiety we actually have to talk about it. I know, gross stuff.

I shared last time why talking is inportant, today, we will discuss how. Babies identify language by one thing only, repetition mixed with body language. Soon those coos turn into mama and dada because that’s how the parents talk to them. For some of us, difficult things were either swept under the rug, conflict turned into explosions or met with a forceful silence of avoidance.

A part of the reason we have such poor emotional skills is because no one taught us how to have the hard conversations. No one ‘cooed’ how to be vulnerable, angry but not destructive, understanding but not excusing. I am glad children go off to learn other languages at will when desired. We have the choice now to unlearn then learn effective communication. Here are a few starters:

Identify the aim of the conversation.

Is your intention invitation to just be there for you at leaast for a time, seeking advice, desiring to express an action than hurts you and why?
Get settled on the goal.

Decide on a few points you want to highlight

It doesn’t need to be mess free, it doesn’t need to follow a pattern, fam, if you have to rumble until you reach the heart of your worry, do it.
Usually there are major incidents that lead to our conclusions, start there.

Determine how best to get the message across

If you just want to update a friend on the day’s troubles and woes, a text may be just enough.
How about sharing how an experienced with someone made you anxious, hearing your voice may give insight to mood.
Have backed up unspoken things for years? In most cases I recommend face to face but be wise and choose your safety first. Don’t go alone if needs be, especially if it is a past perpitraitor, whether physically or emotionally.

Set Realistic Expectations

Sometimes just sometimes the parent that was neglectful in the past won’t turn on their heel just because you say you feel hurt.
Or maybe the ex won’t decide to take you back or develop a friendship again. Your expectation is not for them to heal you. They cannot.

Your expectation is best aligned to releasing a burden you have been pretending you havent been carryng. Or to clarify the things that cause worry.
It will hurt if they don’t respond favourably, but what if they do? What if they do actually love you and genuinely want to know to help. Things are not always as they seem. And love, you will still find your way even if they aren’t an active traveller on your journey. Sometimes we take the lessons not the people.

Talking about the real stuff is hard but it is 100% worth it.

Practical Tips:

Conversation Starters-

When you did this it made me feel like this

What happened that night painted this picture in my mind that I can’t seem to forget

When you said/ did that I believed this about myself

When I did/ said that, I didn’t forgive myself because

I put pressure on myself to do this because I think that it will lead to

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